I've been feeling sorry for myself all night. I spend alot of time online, browsing online shops, wishing I had one, wondering why no one wants anything of mine...and then it hit me: I've never put myself, or my product (whatever that is) for that matter, out there for people want. I haven't even narrowed down what I want to do exactly, and when I'm asked, I give vague answers. I feel like this time I've been given (thanks njjn!) is for a reason and I need to use it wisely. I've been brushing up on a few technical things, getting comfy with a few problematic programs, and making lists (oh I do love making lists.)
It's sort of clear to me that I need to take some classes if I want to truly feel comfortable selling my skills to anyone. This is my main reason for not putting myself out there. I just feel like when it comes down to it, a degree matters- maybe more to me than to a potential client. I think that if I were able to explain things in a text book kind of way, and use programs in a text book kind of way, rather than just shrugging and smiling and saying I just learned by playing. I'd have added confidence. Not that there's anything wrong with learning by doing, I just want to make sure I'm doing things correctly. My interests are diverse and I know I jump all over the place. I just think it would help if I focused and learned things in a more traditional way, if for no other reason than to help me feel better about myself.
I've been looking at some summer courses, starting in June that will get me back in the swing of things, and push me further down this path.
I just hope that our finances aren't too strained between now and then, that I can actually pay for some courses. My grades were perfect when I was going to school in the past, so maybe a scholarship or something is possible.
It's kind of funny, all this inspiration and drive was caused by looking at some shoes.
Today was a surgery milestone. Shower day. Every time I thought about the surgical wounds and removing the dressings, I was riddled with anxiety, so when it came time to actually go through with it, well, it's no surprise that I got cold sweats and almost passed out. Jon said my face turned blue.
I got through it though. And I went out in public with Jon. We went to the A&P for ginger ale (The pain meds are making me nauseous, again) and we saw my old boss, Jaime! I was happy to see her and we talked for awhile. Then I went home and felt sick some more and laid down til 11:30. Now I'm wide awake and wish I was still tired.
I've had alot of time on my hands lately, and I've been, surprisingly at a loss as to how to use it.
So I finished a sweater.
It's my Everyday Cardigan by Peace Fleece in Peace Fleece Perestroika Pink worsted. After my dentist appointment today, I picked out some wooden buttons that I thought would look nice.
Ok. Now let's talk about what I don't like about this sweater. First of all, I will be the first to admit that I'm not the best finisher. My blocking skillz are under par, as are my sewing skills. The sweater is a bit lumpy. Maybe another wash will help. But more than that, this baby is itchy. What did I expect? I don't know. I'm sure I'll wear it because I made it, but I don't know if I'll actually like wearing it. Perhaps some fabric softener or something. I don't know. Cross your fingers for me. I never make stuff for myself. It's so much easier to just force Devan to wear itchy things, rather than wear them myself. I'm just kidding. Her knitted stuff is never itchy.
And now that I'm done with one project that's been taking up space, It's time to work on something else. I know!
I mean, it's finally snowing so why not knit a nice lace scarf? This is Trellis from Interweave Knits Spring 06.
Today I (just barely) moved my letterpress out of it's little dusty corner in my bedroom and made a little collage of wood type in one of my chases.
I think I'm going to press it, you know to test out the ink color I have in mind for my first print block that I ordered Monday. That freakin' press is so heavy. I'm using my last paycheck from my old job to purchase a desk and shelving for my bedroom. I'll also be buying some sort of sturdy cart/table to hold my press.
I'd like to paint my room before all of this gets set up, but I don't know if I'll have time. I'm having surgery to remove my gall bladder next friday. I can't really lift anything for a few weeks afterwards.
Also today, I was feeling really down and out and when Jon got home he surprised me with flowers- pink tulips :)
In closing, Devan's got a kitty puppet to show you.
This morning I cradled Devan and stroked her hair for an hour on the couch upstairs. She wasn't feeling well. I thought I'd have to take the day off and stay with her, because she didn't want to leave the house unless she felt well enough to go to school, but suddenly she felt completely better. And I felt sad. Sad that she didn't need me and sad that I wasn't eager to stay at home with her. Sad that this is such an internal struggle.
I wish I could go back in time to 3 years ago and just savor the mornings we spent together. I wish that I knew then, what I know now. That these moments are to be remembered. We weren't killing time. We were living and making memories that I rely on to get me through every day away from her.
I don't think I was meant for this 9-5 ratrace kind of life. I don't do well under 'stress' because I have a hard time even understanding why it's important to get worked up over work related things. Even now that I've quit one job, I still find that there's not enough time to even work up a moment that I can savor. It's hustling and bustling, out the door, late to this, forgetting that. By the time the weekend arrives, I'm not even happy to be at home because there's too much work to do and I find myself unable to relax, or get creative.
I hate this powerless feeling of wishing life would just SLOW DOWN.
Tonight at my friends party, at 2 minutes til midnight and the beginning of the new year I checked my txt msg's on my phone. Here's what was waiting for me:
(Nov 19)
I've been asked to make a Christmas wish list, so here it is. Click on
Santa to view it!
(Dec 11)
I am unable to sleep, so I took time to make the blog archives work. of course, images that were on old yahoo server do not work anymore (read: anything before April 2005) so you'll have to use your imagination. Check the sidebar for a link if you're interested.
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(Nov 22)
There. I finally did it. Now go buy me stuff:)
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(Nov 7)Take note of the changes along the right sidebar. I've been reading blogs, and that, of course, means joining knitalongs!
However my next task (which will be my next announcement)
is to create a holiday wishlist, as there have been several people asking for one.
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(Aug 6) Hi guys, How cute is this: I have a new little niece!! Bryan and Mandie's little girl was born last Sunday (I think)
and in the spirit of utter ridiculousness, I give you, Madelyn dancing.
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(June
1) Here is a little picture. Obviously, these are BF5 lyrics.
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(May
23) Sup dudes? I was kinda bored last night, so I made a picture.
again. only tell me if you like it. I have a fragile ego.
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(May
14) Going through a wave of depression. Don't feel like
doing anything except artwork. Here are a couple
pictures I made. You may have seen them, since they're
meant for my websites. If you've seen them as background
images, excuse the tiling, I'm fixing it when I feel
like it.
if you like them, let me know. if you don't, keep it to
yourself.
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(April 28) Ok... I've been on hiatus. Bear with me and
my broken links and pictures while I move all my junk
around.
Life is good and I'm glad my site is working again.
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(Jan 11) Due to real life
pals/family complaining about how little real life
content there is in this journal, I'm going to make a
real effort to include that stuff, and not just knitting
stuff. I hope this pleases you guys.
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(Jan 10) Today is the
anniversary of my Grampa's death. We still miss you so
much.
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(Jan 4) Congratulations
Michael & Tiffany!!
Welcome to the family,
Tif!
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(Dec 30) Just two quick
notes today:
1. We've got another
completed Casey's Coat.
click to see Vito!
2. I'll be out of town
for about 3 weeks. My brother, Mike, is getting married!
After that I'm going to be house sitting for my mom
while she is out of town. This will not have an affect
on you or my blogging, I just felt like sharing.
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(Dec 2) My brother has
been making me some pretty cool knitting charts. I think
they're mighty awesome and I'm trying to figure out a
project I can use them for. They're pdf files, except
the first one (which is actually not his design, it's
the work of someone on myspace.com) so go ahead and have
at them. If he makes many more charts, I'll disable the
links and offer the chart patterns for a small fee via
paypal, because, after all, it is his art work and he
deserves compensation!
click the images to view full sized charts: 2nd & 3rd images ?2004 R. Wuebker
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(Nov 28)My little sister is a knittin' fool. We shopped
all over for some good needles for her. She's been using
these kids plastic-y needles that I find to be really
uncomfortable and annoying. We tried some aluminum
needles but they were too slick and long. We finally
settled on some Clover Bamboo needles and from what I
have heard, she likes them the best. She's working on a
lavender scarf. I'll have my mom take a pic so I can
post it here.
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(Nov 28) I'm back! Christmas Knitting and yarn stash
enhancement is in full effect in this house. There's a
new(?) Knitting/Fabric store in the town my mom lives
in. It's called Sew Krazy. image is property of sew-krazy.com
They are currently squeezed in a tiny location just
chock full of amazing stuff! They have a whole shelf of
Kaffe Fasset fabrics, which you know I loved. They
had lots of yarn by Rowan and Brown Sheep. They didn't
have any Debbie Bliss. The shop is working on expanding
in a new location, equipped with a beautiful fireplace
(My mom and I peeked through a hole in the door) and
it's HUGE. This place was great and there's a cafe
called Muddy Waters next door. So this place will be
perfect to sit down, relax, drink coffee, and knit by
the fireplace when I go out to visit for 3 weeks in
January. The building is also really beautiful and
contains many other interesting shops. Check it out if
you're ever nearby.
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(Nov 18)Last year for Christmas, Mr. Handsome gave me an
EZ Stir. If you haven't got a clue what an easy-stir
is, (consider yourself lucky) it's a device that
attaches to your pots and pans and stirs your sauces for
you! Ingenious! I have still not taken the EZ Stir out
of its package. This year, I thought I'd make it easy on
my husband and anyone else who wishes to shower me with
gifts.
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(Nov 17)Looking for unique cards to send out this
Holiday season?
Check out
Loobylu
and Darling
Studio for some fabulous and unique holiday cards.
