The girl with kaleidoscope eyes

6.27.2006
Anyone else?

Today while I was putting on my deodorant, I started coughing, which led to choking, which led to (dun dun dunnn!) throwing up. Unexpected!

Then at work at around 8, Jon text messaged me to tell me he'd just 'worshipped the porcelain God'.

As I was finishing off my ice cream, tippy-typing my last blog entry, I heard my dog making some funny, squeaky noises. You guessed it. Barfff.

And last, but certainly not least, It was 4:30 am, I was just settling down, noticing that my ear is rather clogged and hurting quite a bit, I heard some thumping upstairs and that word that, at this time of night, makes my hair stand on end... that makes me quiver with fear, that wakes me from a peaceful slumber (tonight being the exception)... you know that word, "Mommy!"

I yelled to her 'what's the matter?' and of course her answer was "i just frowed up." Upon further examination, the frowing up started in bed, continued across the room, into the hall, through the bathroom, where it ended on the toilet seat. That's not counting what I washed off her hands, face, and hair. Hey, at least she tried. If only Lily would follow her example.

And now here I am, at 5:30 in the morning, alert as ever. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I really wanted to be in bed, asleep by 4am. I wanted to have a nice, awake afternoon tomorrow. But now I've got myself some juice and grabbed my book to start reading. I'm hoping I start feeling sleepy again sometime soon or this day doesn't even have a chance.

posted @ 5:17 AM

Failure At Life (Revisited)

Tonight, well, this morning I am feeling like a failure at life again. No - this isn't brought on by withdrawal from my medication. This is brought on by WORK, as usual. I just typed a long entry and realized that it's not something that just anyone should be able to stumble upon so I deleted it. Basically my problem is that I feel like all of my work sucks and that everyone at my work knows it, but no one is letting me in on the secret. I feel like every time I try to help out and work hard on something, it's a waste of time because someone else comes along and redesigns it. This is when that haunting feeling, like I'm squandering Dev's 'baby' years working this job, these hours, creeps in and it just makes me want to cry.

Back to my No Ads Strike : (

posted @ 3:11 AM

6.24.2006
it's summah

So yea, it's summertime and of course I'm stuck, sick, in the house (more specifically, in bed) with a cold. A baaaad one. Yesterday Devan and I went to a birthday party for one of her pre-school classmates. At the very end of the party it started to downpour and we were stuck under a pavilion, waiting for it to let up. Dev had tons of fun though, and I managed to not die. So I guess all in all, it was a good day.

I'm making a delicious dinner right now. Roasted Chicken, Red Skinned Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans... perhaps stuffing. haha. unfortunately it's going to be a late dinner since i inadvertently turned the oven off when I put the chicken in.

I've also made a discision!! I'm going to unravel the entire hourglass sweater and forget about it forever -- or at least until I can track down a couple more skeins of brown cash iroha.

posted @ 3:29 PM

6.22.2006
amazing

how a tiny little pill can change your whole perspective on things.

also amazing: how things can be so much cuter when they are sleeping:

posted @ 2:38 AM

6.20.2006
:(

Back on effexor.

Couldn't hack it on the outside.

posted @ 4:44 PM

6.14.2006
odalaly, golly what a day!

Today I got my first ever ROOT CANAL. UGH. Shot to the roof of the mouth- don't believe the hype, it's no fun. Other than that I was just a bit squeamish about the whole situation, but there was no pain to speak of. I have to go back next week for another shot of novacaine in the roof of my mouth (joy!) to start the crown. :(

Tomorrow is little Devan's last day of preschool. It went by soooo fast. I'm kind of sad, but also relieved. One less direction I'll be pulled in every day. I wanted to give the teacher and her helpers a nice card. So armed with my inspiration : A lovely asian fabric from reprodepot.com, I drew a couple illustrations in adobe illustrator and used one for the card and one for the front of the envelope, printed em, burned masters, and gocco'd til the cows came home.

I don't usually pat myself on the back, or even like most of the work I do, but I seriously love both designs sooo much. While I was drawing them, I really liked them in just black and white, and the negative space made such an impact, but I only had these 3.5x5" cards in a creamy beige color and I wasn't feeling black with that. So I went with two colors I'm really into right now - a dusty kind of robin's egg blue (doesn't translate well with my family room lighting, and a dusty coral/orangy/pinkish color (which also doesn't translate well). I'm really feeling the simplicity of the design on the envelope. I'd like to use it again for something else. I only needed 1 card for the preschool thing, but I couldn't justify wasting precious gocco supplies on just 1 card, so I made a bunch. I'm not sure if I'll keep them for myself or gift them or what I'll do. For now I'll just look at them and smile.

posted @ 4:02 AM

6.13.2006
evil doctors and their evil, evil drugs.

I know, I know. I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry.

Recently I asked my doctor to put me on a different anxiety/depression medication. I have taken Effexor XR for 2 years and it really changed my life in some good ways. Before I started it, there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about killing myself, or hope I'd die in my sleep as I laid down for bed at night. I never realized that that wasn't normal because I'd felt that way for so long. I mean 4th or 5th grade long. My husband would always ask me what was wrong, and how he could help but there's not a feeling or an event or anything that could be pinpointed. It's chemical. There's nothing anyone can do.

Why would I choose to go off this miracle drug?? Well. While it's made me normal (not preoccupied with suicide, not crying every day, not having feelings of impending doom) it also made me very, very tired. Too tired to be as good of a mom as I can be, too tired to DO anything but the bare minimum. And I can't stand the idea that this life I'm living right now will haunt me forever, and make me feel guilty forever - that I wasn't involved enough, or outgoing enough for myself, my husband, and my little girl.

2 weeks ago, we (Dr & I) decided to taper Effexor and begin Wellbutrin. I have no idea if the Wellbutrin is helping or even doing ANYTHING because I FEEL SOOOOO COMPLETELY AWFUL from the Effexor withdrawal. I'd anticipated a rough patch. Just do a search on Effexor withdrawal and you'll find hundreds of horror stories. My personal horror story is that I have been suffering from vertigo since we tapered me down to 37.5 mg. and it's only gotten worse since stopping altogether. I've got this constant spinning in my head and it's really hard to drive, or work, or do anything other than lay down. ...which is the reason I wanted to go off the drug in the first place.

I'm also feeling very 'fragile' in that any little thing is setting me off, much like I was before I was medicated at all. Rage, Anger, Sadness, Crying, Worrying, Doom and Gloom... and this feeling like I'm just dangling, not doing anything, not having any sort of effect on anyone or anything. Feeling utterly insignificant to everything and everyone around me, and hopeless to make things better for myself. Logically I know this isn't so, but it's hard to think logically right now. Jon and I got into an argument this morning - or rather, I picked a fight with Jon for no reason, and all he could say was 'you're not yourself right now.' It's a real bummer to admit he's right (ever). I'm tempted to call the doctor and just go back on Effexor, but I really don't want to be so dependant on anything. And it can't really be good for you, if it's so difficult to quit taking it. EHH I don't know.

I am really angry at being prescribed such a strong drug as a first choice by my doctor. Effexor's got a very short half-life (has to do with the rate at which it is metabolized in the body), meaning you'll start feeling withdrawal effects if you miss even one dose. It's just such a serious drug. And while it makes me 'feel' better, I know it can't be good for me. I'm really not sure what to do.

I apologize for being so woe is me right now, but seriously, woe is me!

posted @ 3:25 AM

6.07.2006
about the sanctity of marraige

and the protection of traditional family values:

Oh, like these 'traditional family values:

Ronald Reagan - divorced the mother of two of his children to marry Nancy Reagan, who bore him a daughter only 7 months after the marriage.

Bob Dole - divorced the mother of his child, who had nursed him through the long recovery from his war wounds.

Newt Gingrich - divorced his wife who was dying of cancer. (what a sweetie)

Dick Armey - House Majority Leader - divorced

Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas - divorced

Gov. John Engler of Michigan - divorced

Gov. Pete Wilson of California - divorced

George Will - divorced

Sen. Lauch Faircloth - divorced

Rush Limbaugh - Rush and his current wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.

Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia - Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the "Defense of Marriage Act." The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is "Bob Barr...WHICH marriage are you defending?!?

Sen. Alfonse D'Amato of New York - divorced

Sen. John Warner of Virginia - divorced (once married to Liz Taylor.)

Gov. George Allen of Virginia - divorced

Henry Kissinger - divorced

Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho - divorced

Sen. John McCain of Arizonia - divorced

Rep. John Kasich of Ohio - divorced

Rep. Susan Molinari of New York - Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker - divorced

I'm so SICK of this I could PUKE. In this country we embrace hatred, fear, violence and war. But love between people is WRONG. If I weren't already married, I think this bullshit would be enough to make me never want to 'succumb' to this sacred institution, and accept these traditional family values.

posted @ 1:35 PM

6.05.2006
On Inspiration and Paralysis.

Sometimes I discover something - it may be a color combination, a pattern, two fonts used in conjunction, a photograph, shadows on the wall, a person's profile, a basket full of handpainted yarn, a 'to do' list, a texture, a smile, a flower, a chair,... anything... and my heart beats faster. It affects me. It makes me happy or sad, or it makes me feel restless, or hopeful or inspired, or it just makes me think-- and not do anything (aka paralysis!).

There's a website that I've browsed a couple times, never really giving it much thought, but the other day I took a closer look. Little Birds is a really wonderful blog, and is also today's feature blog on Typepad. Browsing through her flickr photos - it's just one bit of inspiration after the next. Her photos of her children are just beautiful, and her stuffed animals are amazing. I just love it!

Another amazing toymaker can be found at Wee Wonderfuls! Another source of endless inspiration! Again, these are sites I've browsed before, but I've never really taken the time to click around and get really involved. I downloaded her free cat and bunny patterns, and took a peek at her flickr photos. OH MY GOSH! This is the most beautiful quilt I have ever seen!!!

I don't even think I have words to describe how all of these images make me feel! The author of wee wonderfuls also has another site, thriftcraft.com that seriously gave me about 8 thousand ideas as soon as i started looking at it.

There are a few other sites I've been meaning to post about because they are just so dang wonderful! Click, Look and be INSPIRED!
Freckle Wonder
Port 2 Port
Bird In The Hand
Whip Up
Eva Nouveau
Peculiar Pair Press

posted @ 4:29 AM

6.04.2006
Peggy? Who's Peggy?

It's not that I haven't made any progress (see previous post) It's just that I've been SO BUSY making progress that I've been unable or unwilling to tear myself away from making progress that I couldn't post. I'm sure you're ok though.

So, what progress, you ask? Well. I finished Devan's Denim Pinafore, which she hasn't worn yet, so I haven't taken a photo. I also finished Dev's Swing Jacket in time for her birthday. You can see a bit of it in this photo here:

As I mentioned, Devan's just turned 5! Here's a photo of her trying to lick her cake:

As part of Devan's birthday, we had a little celebration at school, complete with hot pink cupcakes and pink goodie bags, which gave me the opportunity to try out my print gocco. Don't get the wrong idea by the prints, since I didn't realize that the crease in the bag, plus the fact that the layers of the bag kept separating, didn't make for the best surface to do prints on, but this thing rules and I plan to use it a ton!

I've also been doing some other knitting. I'm always knitting socks for myself, and usually they're just basic short row heel and toe socks with 2x2 rib up the leg (and if I'm feeling frisky, down to the toe too) but I decided I felt like a little lace, and I really like the Cascading Leaves pattern, so I gave it a whirl:

Turns out that the lace pattern is really simple, but it's also a YARN HOG, and I'm running out of yarn (Cherry Tree Hill - Spring Frost) So I've got to buy another skein to do the second sock.

I've also been knitting here and there on Jon's jacket - the Men's Zip-up Raglan from Last Minute Knitted Gifts. This thing is torture. 1. It's huge. 2. it's 4x4 ribbing and it takes forever.

Last night we celebrated Jon's grandmother's birthday. I was feeling poopy and have a toothache so Jon gave me some of his vicodin. I was feeling pretty groovy after that and I wanted to knit, but I was feeling kind of bored with everything I'm working on, so I brought the yarn for my Everyday Cardigan. I started a little of it over there, and then did a couple rows while Jon, Matt and I watched The War Within. Here's how far I got:

Well. I hadn't meant for this to be all knitting pictures... I'll be back later to tell you about what's been inspring me (and paralyzing me creatively) lately. Later taters.

posted @ 9:47 AM

6.27.2006 Anyone else?

6.24.2006 it's summah

6.22.2006 amazing

6.20.2006 :(

6.14.2006 odalaly, golly what a day!

6.13.2006 evil doctors and their evil, evil drugs.

6.07.2006 about the sanctity of marraige

6.05.2006 On Inspiration and Paralysis.

6.04.2006 Peggy? Who's Peggy?