Last night I knit Jon a little square with a heart on it, and this morning I brought it upstairs because he left it on the couch downstairs. He told me he wants to clutch it in his fist like Braveheart, and on his dying day, while being tortured he wants to dramatically open his fist and let it fall to the floor. And then he tucked it into his belt so I better call him so he doesn't forget to take it out of there.
I got the book Stitch 'N Bitch by Debbie Stoller. It's got some pretty good patterns, and that was my main reason for buying it. The instructions are also pretty good, so it's a good reference if I run into problems. I just don't like the term 'stitch 'n bitch'.
I also bought 2 special Martha Stewart magazines. I bought Weddings, of course, and I also found a Holiday cooking special. I am tired.
I need to learn how to make a tiara and a wand because devan is going to be a generic Fairy princess for Halloween because i am a failure as a mother. Oh well it will be cute and she won't remember it except in pictures.
Howdy, ya'll. I had a pretty productive weekend, if you consider the all the knitting I did. If you don't, well... I didn't do too much else. I was supposed to go to OH. yesterday but Devan came down with a pretty bad cold, and I was suprised by 2 of my professors saying we were having tests/quizzes on Monday. I could have missed class today but I thought I should try to be responsible and ask some questions about the concerns I have in my classes. Plus I didn't want to miss the math quiz, which, ugh, got cancelled. Oh well, all was not lost because I got some questions answered and I am feeling a lot more capable at the moment.
Right now I am feeling very good. My self esteem is very very good right now. I am just looking around at my house and realizing that I'm not bad at stuff. There are a lot of people in the world who can't do some of the things that I can do. My hands are itching to pick up my red devil hat that I'm knitting but it's actually quite a job-- small needles and small yarn and it's very intricate. I screwed up a stitch last night and tried to fix it and actually ended up making it worse so I had to rip the whole thing out and start over.
I have plans for tomorrow: I am going to try to locate some yellow paint and make Devan a Halloween costume. I will post pictures if I actually do a good job. I told her we'd go get pumpkins for carving tomorrow as well. I have a ridiculous idea of how to carve them and I hope it works out because it is so stupid. I'm also going to a thrift store to get some denim, and possibly some corderoy. We'll see if they have a good selection. I also have to call the vet and make an appointment. I have my work cut out for me. Wish me luck.
Devan just head-butted me and my nose, from the tip to the bottom is numb. Wonderful! She's sitting on the couch watching Dora the Explorer, one of her favorite shows.
I've just sorted all of my needles and yarns and I am troubled because I can't find all of my needles, so I guess I'll be making a trip to the store at some point this weekend to stock up! Yay! I am supposed to be going to Ohio on Tuesday or Wednesday. Wednesday I'm supposed to go see Michael Moore at the wooster college. I don't feel like going out though. : |
I was going to make an apple pie (without the core, hah hahhaha!) but I don't think I have any cinnamon, so I guess that will have to wait until the weekend too. Tonight I am going to be home by myself working on research papers(yippieee!). Devan is going to some carnival or something with Jon's mom and Jon is going to work late tonight, (you know, earning $4 hr.)
I found my pink blanket I was knitting months and months ago. Basically I'm knitting huge squares in a basic, garter stitch in contrasting colors of thick baby blanket yarn. I'm not making a baby blanket though... I want to make something else but it seems like every time I start something else, I get busy, or I leave it on the table and devan pulls the needle out. I should join a knitting circle. I really should. But I won't because that's what I'm famous for.
Apparently Elliot Smith killed himself by stabbing himself in the heart. It's very sad and totally depressing. I can't imagine being in so much emotional pain that I would be able to stab myself in the heart. I saw the first reports of this last night, and couldn't get a decent source to confirm it. Earthlink was down all morning, so I finally found out for real a few hours ago. It's definitely sad.
I'm looking at my school's online courses right now, to see if I may be able to find some decent classes to take online instead of going to the campus twice a week. It would definitely make me more interested in continuing school.
I took a nap earlier at around 5:45 til about 7:15 when Jon got home and so I am kind of wide awake right now. Jon's got Resident Evil on and I think it is stupid. Ah well. It's over now. bye!
Toward the end of my history class, while looking at slides of romantic art, I felt really crazy and trapped all the sudden and wanted to go outside really bad. so when the class ended I went outside and couldn't bring myself to go back in so i've missed math. again. Lily and I played some fetch outside just now. and I am feeling a little better in my brain, however my stomache is hurting from drinking coffee and having no food. Here is a pic of lily and devan:
as you can see, they are both very cute.
I've been staying up very late lately. I look very tired and there are lines in my face that weren't there before. Last night I was up late, 1:30 or so, working on my study guide for psych. Sat. night I was up until 4:30 in the morning. Friday night I was up until 3.
Well I am not sure what I am doing, as far as school is concerned. I have an exam tonight and yes I want to go out of curiousity, but no I don't because I am screwed up and feeling depressed. I want to go to sleep. Maybe I should nap before this test.
My laptop is turning into a peice of crap. At the moment I'm having problems with my space bar. I have to press it twice or sometimes three times in order to get it to work. It's driving me nuts. Last night the "c" key wasn't working. Lately it's also been freezing up on me, and just losing all of my work. I am sick of it. It's only a year and a half old. Stupid.
We switched Lily to her full grown dog crate today. She seems to really like it. I am conflicted about this puppy. Part of me is proud of her and thinks she's really smart - sitting, staying, laying down. She's got a firm grasp on all of these concepts, but still doesn't obey the first time unless I've got a treat of some sort. The problem I'm having is with house training and with biting. The biting is driving me nuts. I realize she's a puppy and that's what she's using to explore and I'm also told that she's got "itchy" gums? I don't know.. What I do know is that it hurts when she bites me - and I worry about her biting Devan, allthough I haven't seen much of that. The problem with Devan and the puppy is the puppy's sharp nails. We had the tips clipped once, but I need to clip them again. The house-training thing is just probably impatience on my part. She's not going in her crate which is awesome. Even in her big crate she's been doing well all day. However, when we got home from going out to dinner, Jon let her out and she peed. She came inside and played with me on the couch until I could no longer take the biting and clawing, so I played fetch - I think it's amazing how much she enjoys the game, and always brings the toy back to me. But then I throw the toy and she immediately runs to the toy, squats, and poops on the floor in my bedroom. I don't know, I am sure it's just one of those things...
We went to the mall to look for a coat for me at the gap. I was kind of interested in a camel colored peacoat at the gap but I don't know. I had a 15% off coupon til tomorrow, but I didn't see any sizes but XS and S and my boobs are too big to let the stupid coat close. That's why I don't understand why thin women want to go and screw up their chests with implants. When I buy shirts, they never fit throughout my torso and shoulders and neck, and if they do, I'm just squeezing into the chest. It's ridiculous and annoying and I don't see why anyone would pay for that kind of frustration.
I'm kind of annoyed because there are a lot of things I want, which I'm sure I've mentioned here before. They range from very small insignificant items that don't cost that much, (like books and a coat, and some new shoes) to larger ticket items, (like paint for my upstairs and paint for my downstairs, as well as some crown moulding, and a nice bright red kitchenaid mixer, and a portrait session with Linda Marie who did Devan's easter portraits in 2002.)
To the really big items, (like a gym membership, new bed, a few key peices of bedroom furniture - who'da thunk of putting a DRESSER in a bedroom-, shelving units for my living room and family room, thick velvet curtains from pottery barn, a new kitchen table, an hammered iron chandelier, accent tables in the family room, and my own workcenter - featuring a corner computer desk/hutch/ shelving, wall shelves, flat table surfaces, bins and storage cubbies for different materials, adjustable lighting, and a big H frame easel.)
Oh man. It's just a lot of money and a lot of things... I hate thinking about it. I have about the worst headache I've ever had in my life right now. I'm really stressed out about going to school/staying home. It's after 3 am and I just took a break from doing research and homework and I still have a list a page and a half long of things I have to finish before monday night's exam. I was going to stay up and work on a study guide and notecards for the exam but my brain isn't functioning at a high enough level (as it very seldom is by the time I update my journal) to do anything worthwhile. And this headache. I can FEEL pressure behind my eyeball and it feels like my eyeball might pop out.
Did you happen to catch SNL tonight? Jon was disgusted halle barry. He said "what a no-talent...and she won an oscar and makes millions of dollars." I thought she did a horrible job. However, I did enjoy Horatio Sans a great deal. And what about Britney Spears?! Did you hear that ass awful song she did during her second performance. I couldn't follow the thing but her voice was all wavery and warbly and she kept doing this dramatic sigh. We, Jon and I, suspect that it must have taken hours in the studio to perfect that sigh. Also her outfits were horrible and made her look weird. Not that she needs any help in this department. Yea yea, I know she's hot and I'm a fat cow but still, as a fat cow, I feel the need to tell the world how much better I would dress than britney spears if I were the same size as her.
Someone make my school disappear. It's ruining my life...
Ahhhhhh. I cannot put into words (besides these ones right here) how amazing it feels to put Devan in bed, light some fragrant candles, and just sit on the couch for awhile by myself. Jon's working late with another coworker and for some reason I don't really mind all that much. Sometimes we all need a little time alone.
I made this vow to myself that I would do a boatload of homework/research this weekend and just see how far I could get, before I decide once and for all to withdraw. I've got good reasons for not going back.
1. I don't want to.
2. You can't make me.
3. You're not my dad!
4. Shut UP!
No, actually I just tried really hard my first year and got straight A's and I carry a 4.0. This semester I am not doing as well because I don't have the extra help with Devan. Last year, I could just do my homework for the most part, and there was always someone or something around to keep Devan busy and to make sure she was ok. This year, it's just me. Jon's not here enough to help out, and when he is, as I mentioned previously, he likes to relax and play video games or go places and it's really hard for me to study under those circumstances. So like I said, I am going to see how far I can get over the weekend. If I can make a significant amount of progress on my research papers, I will consider staying until the semester ends. I have to lighten up and not be such a dork about getting the best grades.
Today I did a lot of stuff. I printed out a lot of information on art museums in Barcelona for my presentation in spanish on DUENDE or whatever. I printed out a little bit of stuff on Picasso, which also ties into my Barcelona presentation but is mainly for my History paper. I printed out some junk on Pascal for my math research paper, which I think is a ridiculous assignment. What kind of a research paper is only 1 page type written/double spaced. Why don't you just ask me to throw up on a sheet of paper?
The problem is that I should be, if I stay at school, concentrating on the exam that I have on Monday night in child psych. I haven't even opened the book. I've listened to the lectures and all of that, and it's all basic information that I already know from previous psych courses, but I need to refresh myself cos I'm nerdy like that.
funny tidbit of the week
This monday I busted out laughing when my male child psych professor tried to have me swollow this gem: "It's been theorized that childbirth really doesn't hurt all that bad, and that women scream and holler because of expectancy theory." And this theory also accounts for why people who are served non-alcoholic beverages without their knowledge 'act drunk' after consuming them.
Ok, i'm sure there's some truth to this theory when applied to non-alcoholic beverage consumption, and even a smidgen of truth when applied to childbirth - and by that I'm talking about the way that our society presents it to us - it's horrible, ugly, and brutal: you will be sweating and screaming and cussing at your significant other and vowing never to go through it again. If it was really that bad, we'd have a lot less people on this planet. But it's bad, I'll tell you that from experience. It's bad and it hurts like the dickens. But I have to laugh when a guy who has never had a baby tries to tell me how bad it doesn't hurt, based on some theory that some other man probably came up with. seriously.
Whenever my mail program downloads new mail it says this. Devan thinks it's great.
well my concience is getting the best of me with this school thing. WHY can't I just do what I want to do without having to feel guilt about it.
Last night I watched carnivale with Jon and i don't really like that show because I don't like watching dirty people kiss and have sex and stuff like that. Like in movies with midievil settings and stuff like that. It really grosses me out cuz they probably have gross breath. Also, I have only watched one episode and I just don't like it because I have no idea what's going on. But me and jon were talking and we decided it is probably NOT a good idea to have another daughter and name her Harlot Hussy DePue like I always wanted to. ...i'm jokingggggg
Another highlight of watching carnivale was that Jon was cold so I made him wear my fuzzy girl sweater and he looked really cute in a girl sweater and even admitted that it was really comfortable.
I've been thinking a lot about changing my domain name and turning Jon's desktop computer into a server and running it off of that. I don't really understand how that works, but what I'd imagine is that it would be cheaper and easier to maintain.
I didn't go to school today !!! !!! Want to know why? I quit. That's why. I've been getting some really bad grades and not understanding things, and getting really far behind lately. I just have way too much going on right now and Jon is too busy to help - and when he's not too busy he still doesn't help. I am about 150 pages behind in reading for History, plus I have research papers in every class. For some of these papers I can't use internet sources at all, which is a real pain in my ass since I barely have time to do homework, let alone figure out a time to do research in the library. Damn.It's too stressful.
Anyways, I didn't officially quit but I skipped all my classes today, 2 important quizzes and 1 important lecture. I was going to pack my junk and go to my moms for a 'break' but Jon and I were up until about 2:30 in the morning talking it all out and he begged me to stay at least one more day and he actually cried and gave me the best hug I ever got. Today he called the cty clerk and I guess he's serious about 'making an honest woman out of me.'
I guess we're going tomorrow to apply for the m. license and to the dmv to update our addresses on our drivers licenses. maybe they'll let me take a new photo for my license! mine is horrible.
In other news, I just ate a whole bag of movie theater butter popcorn. It was a snack sized individual bag but the fact that I ate a whole bag of something in one sitting makes me a little grossed out.
But apparently I have lost 27 lbs. So yay.
I came downstairs to find my birth certificate earlier and while I was down here, devan poured water all over my couch, my laptop, and my phone. We have those new fangled phones that are cordless and don't have any antennas and they're digital or something - but the best digital? i don't know, that was a jon purchase. And she spilled water all over my Al Franken book, which I've begun feverishly reading. I can't eat while I read it because it makes me laugh and then I inhale food into the wrong pipe. I love the Ann Coulter parts. I really do. I'm pretty sure Al Franken must read my online journal and he must have written this book just for me. Also hey guess what - my new books are here! I have to go to Jon's mom's and pick them up but I am pretty excited about them. So if I stayed home for nothing else, at least I get to start my new books tonight...
Today I looked at my brother's website. It's new and it looks good. One thing that's weird about my brother - not a bad weird, just weird - is that he really seems to like those midi files. This never ceases to surprise me, like on his tunes page or whatever, he's got this very serious looking song by a serious looking band and this ridiculous midi file starts playing. Also I was thinking about this the other day, another weird thing about my brother is that he says weird words like 'tune' - as in, "I really like this tune."
Last night I had a dream that my other brother bryan was getting married even though he's already married, which is really bizarre to think about. But in my dream I was really jealous because I wanted to get married too. Also for some reason he was insisting that everyone had to wear green and red. No other colors and no mixing colors - green or red. period. And then I told him that I really wanted to wear brown and pink and he was really mad and didn't want me to come to his wedding. But then I woke up. I wore black and white to his real wedding and it was the worst outfit ever.
Devan cried herself to sleep saying she wasn't tired. Also, she is the nicest kid ever and the tiniest little gestures overwhelm me sometimes. For instance, yesterday I was having a really bad day. One of those days where you just keep breaking down and crying, only I didn't do that in front of Devan, I'd leave the room first. But then at around 4 pm I was reading my al franken book and she came over and put her animal blanket on me and took my book and laid it down and then she tucked her b lanket around my neck and kissed my forehead and told me to close my eyes and go to sleep.
Jon's coming home early. I'm happy and tired and I'm gonna take a nap!
My monday night class is really getting frustrating - not the class itself. The class itself is great and I always leave in a great mood and get home and play with Devan and am in a great mood. It's just that when I get home, reality sets in and it makes me so depressed.
Last night I was really happy until I turned off my computer and sat down for a few minutes and thought about things. I said something to Jon along the lines of 'i want to have another baby soooooo bad' right after we tucked Devan in for bed. And he said something like '*sigh* I know you do'. And that's not the problem, but that's what got me thinking about all the stuff that is wrong with us. We didn't argue or anything. I said a couple of things and he fell asleep, which hurt my feelings anymore. He doesn't lose any sleep over this stuff. I went upstairs and felt pretty sad and depressed and I cried and realized there's nothing I can do about anything right now. I can't get away for awhile or anything because of school - or I would have gone to Ohio for a visit today. Unfortunately I have a quiz tomorrow and a big exam to study for. And then part of me wants to just quit school and go visit my family for awhile because I think Jon needs to really see how unfair he's being to me and how do you make someone understand that if you're still there every day, cleaning their house, cooking them dinner, sleeping next to them at night? It doesn't work.
and then he types me a letter and prints it out OH that makes everything all better. a nice, personal heartfelt type written letter.
I was watching a video about babies and sensory development tonight in class and now I want a baby worse than I wanted one yesterday. First things first though. I have to go to the dentist!
Someone hurt their groin on the baseball game. I feel sorry for that person who's groin is being talked about on national tv.
Something weird about where I live is that every now and then I'll be driving somewhere and all the sudden I'll round a curve and there's like 20 turkeys in the middle of the road, or a whole slew of cows or something right in my way. It's really bizarre and they don' t even care that they're in my way and beeping doesn't help.
I was playing with lily on the floor and she just was sitting, waiting for me to throw her toy and she just peed right on the floor. She must have been pretty excited. ...
I set up Jon's cd player in the family room and it is screwed up and won't play my cd's without skipping during the really good parts. It made me really angry and then I had to take the puppy out and then all of these boxes fell in front of the door so I couldn't get back inside and I was screamin' and hollerin' and making a complete ass out of myself and that made me even more angry, so when I finally squeezed in the door I was feeling bloodthirsty. And I went downstairs and threw a bunch of boxes in the closet and probably broke stuff and that made me even more angry + bloodthirsty and then I pushed another bag into the closet and it ripped and that made me feel like a jackass + angry + bloodthirsty and meanwhile Jon kinda had a half smile half horrified half frightened look on his face and I realized that I have some issues with anger. and I'd do well to 'manage' my anger before I turn into something bad.
I asked Jon if he thinks I have issues with anger and he was like "I don't know, you sometimes freak out way more than you probably should" and I was like "yea. I know, I should take care of that." and it was warm and fuzzy and dysfunctional.
Today we went to the grocery store again. I got some portobellas and some gaahlic and I intend to make something amazing with them. I am not exactly sure what though. Also, I got Devan some pineapple nectar. We tried some pineapple chunks at the store and she kept licking them like a lollipop so I figured what the hey, at least she'll get some different tastes since she at least likes the taste. Does that make sense? She's a texture eater, like me. I'm not big on fruit cuz I don't like the fleshy texture. I love the flavor but it's something I can't get over.
Man. If I had some dental insurance I'd be so happy right now. Really. And having another baby would be pretty sweet too. I was looking at some baby pics of Devan and feeling nostalgic and I'd be pretty stoked to have another one of her. I can't believe I said stoked. Whenever I hear that word I think of that Danny Kaas skier or whatever he was. There's a sign somewhere around here that says Sussex County is STOKED for Danny Kaas or is it Kass? I don't know. Anyway, it's the stupidest sign I've ever seen except for those people who live on 565 and they have junk in a pile in their front yard and there's always this big spray painted sign that says "FREE CRAP" as if that's really going to make people want to turn their car around and pull up to see what kinda free crap they've got in that pile. Also, it's not dog poo. It's like, farm equipment and 4 wheeler wheels and stuff, not that I've ever really studied a 4 wheeler wheel but it sort of looks like what I'd imagine a 4 wheeler wheel to look like.
as you can probably tell I am really tired. For a few minutes I was wondering whether North Virginia was a real state name. Oh, also today me and Jon and Devan ate on the deck. It was fun. I want to make a pie but I don't have any shortnin'. I have school tomorrow but I don't want to go.
Did you see SNL last night? I saw the part with Horatio Sans playing that Bustamante guy and I cracked up and Justin Timberlake was Robin Gibbs and man that was a funny sketch. In fact, I was just thinking about it and I started laughing again.
We watched Dreamcatcher last night. I read some of that book and it was just boring so I stopped. it was an ok movie except that I had a dream that the gray man went into the sewer and down into the ocean and there was a whole alien settlement at the bottom of the ocean and I felt bad about it because it seemed a little crappy after the positive way that the movie ended. Ok i'm going to sleep because I don't really know what is going on anymor.
It's Friday morning, 9 minutes til 10 am. At 10 I am going to throw a buncha clothes in the wash. Hopefully I will actually follow through and hang them up when they're clean. I had cleaned the room last monday night, and then Jon was putting all the laundry on his weight bench and now the weight bench has clean folded clothes all over it. isn't it a pity? Isn't it a shame?
Don't mind me, I am listening to George Harrison's "All Things Must Pass". I have so much work to do- I should be turning this computer off and getting busy. Well, that's pretty easy to say, and in theory it's a great idea. But the moment I get busy, I have to stop and pay attention to Devan. I'm not complaining or anything, because that's what I'd rather be doing...
In my child development and psychology class I have to write the most ridiculous response to the most ridiculous prompt that I have ever encountered. It has to do with a boy who goes nuts when he sees red shoes because he witnessed an accident where a woman with red shoes was killed. And his teacher won't change her red shoes. ..... UGHHHHH. I just want to curl up with Devan and a book, or curl up by myself with a book and a blanket and forget about all this stupid school work.
I have so many books to read. I've still not finished "Stupid White Men" and I barely started "The Executioner's Song". Jon bought me Al Franken's new book a month or so ago, and I haven't read it yet. I have to read that Arianna Huffington "Picasso" book - except I have a feeling that's more fiction than a biography. I also have a Jim Goad book in the end table upstairs, and 2 Barbara Ehrenreich books in the sofa table downstairs. I just ordered two Virginia Woolf books yesterday, and Ulysses by James Joyce. And I am sure there are more books in my red box in the closet. I'll know for sure later on, when I go in search of my 'thank you' cards so I can write one for the Lennox pig that Sophie gave me.
*yawn* I didn't go to bed until 12:30 last night/this morning. And Devan went to bed halfway through ER, so I assumed she'd sleep a little later, but NOPE! She woke up at 7:30. I made a huge mistake at the grocery store yesterday. I left all of my payment options at home except Jon's debit card for his checking account. I know he only had a little bit in there yesterday, and he said not to use it but I got like $140 in groceries and I planned on using something else, and when I opened my wallet I started freaking out. I wasn't about to put it all back so I paid and then I called him hysterical. it was crazy. But he said it was ok. in my lap I have a huge gallon bag full of cut up vegetables and they are delicious. My favorite is cauliflower. And I think I have eaten most of it. I should put it away now.
Ahhhh Thursdays! I just love Thursdays, Don't you?? Thursday is the beginning of my 4 day weekend every week. Unfortunately I have a lot to do, and I've been working all morning trying to clean. I cleaned Devan's room, the upstairs bathroom, the kitchen, cleaned stuff out of the refrigerator, living room, dining room, swept and mopped all the floors, cleaned the window that devan smeared apple juice all over, swept up the deck, swept the porch, and washed the dishes. I still have to straighten up the family room, my bedroom, do some more laundry, and conquer the downstairs bathroom and the downstairs patio.
I feel like Lily is spending far too much time in her crate, but I'm not sure what to do about it. Jon keeps telling me that she has to be in there to get bowel/bladder control. And I understand his point -- Everytime we just let Lily play outside of the crate, it's like she WANTS to pee and poo on the rugs. Like she is always sniffing. It drives me nuts. I wish she would just lay around by me or play with her toys but she is always sniffing! At least we got her a kong toy, she has it in her crate with her and that keeps her busy for awhile.
I can't believe Arnold is the governor of California. It's really cooky and stupid. this girl, Kate, explains why, in a lot more intelligent and sassy way than I am able to.
Did you ever see that movie "From Hell" with Johnny Depp? Well I saw about 20 minutes of it last night. His accent is so bad and dumb and distracting. I can't stand it. I also can't stand when that girl says 'bovver'. when she said that, Jon and I looked at each other and said 'bovver?'
In this paragraph I will demonstrate what an immature little girl I can be at times. Yesterday my math prof. was explaining something on the board. He drew parenthases with a dot - a multiplication dot, in the middle. Anyways, it struck me suddenly that it looked like a BOOB and I started laughing and I had to put my hand over my mouth. Isn't that riduculous? I actually surprised myself.
Well the good news is that I got an A- on that History test I was worrying myself sick about. I studied hard and thought I blew it and I actually did very well. I'm very proud of myself.
< start deep thoughts >
I'm looking through my school's website and I am trying so hard to pick a direction to focus on. I have a few broad career goals. I admire the people who know exactly what they want and go out and get it. I don't think I've ever gone longer than 5 minutes without changing my goals. I am trying to look back on my life and remember all of the different careers I have wanted. When I was a little kid I wanted to be a secretary, because I think that's what my mom was. And then I distinctly remember floating around in the pool at the Lodi house, anticipating the day that I would turn 18 and fly to Manhattan and move into an all white apartment, much like John Lennon's Dakota apt. (this was before I had any idea how insanely expensive it is to live in Manhattan, and before I had a real grasp of how HUGE and busy Manhattan is.)
In 9th grade I decided I wanted to be a psychiatrist and signed myself up for Latin class. In 10th grade I wanted to follow this boy Jeremiah around everywhere he went and I wanted to have his babies and inevitably become one of the soccer mom's who joins the pta and runs the concession stands at the soccer games. In 11th grade I developed a real passion for art and wanted to just dig a cave into the side of a hill and paint and draw pictures all day and not actually have a career or any money or running water or socks or anything like that. After 11th grade I met Jon and somewhere along the lines I've kind of lost my sense of self and I have no idea who I am or what I want anymore.
That's not to say that it's Jon's fault at all. The thing was, I was really depressed when I met Jon and I did a lot of stupid self-destructive things for the first year or so that I knew him, and I just could not wait to grow up and be an adult and become somebody else - so I hightailed it out of town as soon as I could. And then when I came back to Ohio for about 6 months, those old bad feelings and insecurities started resurfacing. It's funny, I could have told Jon he had to come out to Ohio with me, and he probably would have. But I was too scared of losing him to be assertive, and ended up putting myself and my life second again.(again, not his fault - I never even voiced these feelings to him until we were already living together and knew Devan was on the way) It makes me kind of sad. Instead of just talking about my problems and fixing them, maybe with the help of a psychologist or an antidepressant, I decided to run away and lose myself - good parts along with the bad and it didn't fix the problem, it just created an entirely different problem.
Every now and then I hear a little voice whispering in my head, reminding me of something, and giving me a sense of my old self - Recently I have become obsessed with the idea of building a tiny little area in my bedroom - shelving, lighting, easels, display areas, etc so I can really do some of the stuff I love to do - art, sewing, crafts, knitting, etc.
It's become this desperate thing! Like, I can't live another second, breathe another second if I can't have a place to do my artwork. I went a really long time without TOUCHING a peice of charcoal to newsprint and then when I took a drawing class at the college and I had people 'ooh'ing and 'aaah'ing over my work I got really passionate about it again, and then the class ended and I felt kind of lost. And now it's been almost a year again, since I've done any art work. I want it out and in the open and calling to me because it's something I should do. I'm pretty good at it. I want my sewing machine out in the open where I can work on projects, and I want all of my knitting supplies out in the open where I can be reminded to finish that scarf or to figure out that hat pattern. I spend so much time thinking I have nothing to do and it's just ridiculous - I have so much to do. I should be thankful that I know how to do it.
and back to career goals: After having Devan I felt so much appreciation for the people that helped me through my pregnancy, and especially my midwife, Barbro Noren, that I really wanted to go to school and get a nursing degree and eventually become a CNM and follow in her footsteps. But then all of this insurance stuff started going down in the state of NJ, and it just seemed like a crazy career goal when there are so many clinics and obstetricians and midwives closing their doors becuase they can't afford to practice!
And I thought I might like to be a teacher, possibly an art teacher, for elementary grades. And that sounds fun. But it also seems like it might be fun to raise my own children and enrich them before I get myself tied into a lifestyle that isn't really going to leave me any time to be with my own family and have more of my own children.
That's part of the reason I don't want to be in school right now. What I would love to do is get married, lose 20 pounds, see a dentist and get my teeth fixed (*sigh*) and get pregnant again and have another baby. There I said it. That's what i want to do. I know it's not really reaching (well it kind of is, since Jon doesn't seem at all interested in marrying me right now - allthough he does seem interested in having another baby ....?)
I think I am just going to slow down and stop thinking in the past and future and start taking things one day at a time. There's no one pressing me to become something right this second and the mistakes I've made have been made and they're gone and over and done with and I can't fix them but I can think in the present and decide how to live with them and decide how to NOT keep making them. That seems like a good idea.
And with that momentarily resolved, I have crappy stupid annoying homework to do : ( < /stop deep thoughts >
Me, that's who. I didn't walk this morning. A. I didn't really feel like it. B. I woke up kind of late (On the weekend the track is full of soccer moms and their soccer children) C. It was pouring and freezing. I came home and pretty much played Animal Crossing all afternoon and then Jon, Dev, and I went out w/ his mom and brother and Joe to a furniture store and to Red Lobster. I ate too much food and none of it was good for me at all and yes I feel bad so stop looking at me like that ok.
Did you see the poem that the leader of our country wrote? I thought it was cute. But I don't understand the part about blaming his wife for dropping the dog...? is that a joke? Ok. Also, Roy of Seigfried and Roy was mauled by a tiger. How amazing is that? Is anyone actually surprised by a wild animal mauling a person? I'm not.
I feel like throwing up. I ate too much shrimp. blehhhhh.
I'm a little down in the dumps today. I tried to walk my stress away at the track, but it was too cold so I only made it around once and tried for number two, but it was just two cold and my ears started hurting so bad that I was feeling sick from the pain. I can't find any hats - except just this second I remembered I have that nintendo hat in the closet somewhere. I can't find devan's hat from last winter and my ears were killing me, so I can only imagine that hers were too. I just hope we don't end up with earaches.
On the brighter side of things, I weighed myself this morning and was surprised to see that I was down 6 lbs from the last time I officially weighed myself. That's pretty sweet. It's a good thing I'm poor right now though because I am having an intense craving for some sort of fast food burger. Why does that happen? The second I notice a difference either on the scale, or otherwise, I want to blow it.
I just ate a SmartOne for lunch. It was pretty good. It was the chicken and broccoli rigatoni kind.
I think Jon and I are renting a movie tonight (because we are poor) and hanging out downstairs, whenever he gets home from working late. I should take a nap right now. But instead I am going to read girly magazines and possibly play animal crossing to get myself out of this MOOD. What I really shoulllld be doing is not taking a nap, doing all of my homework, even though I hardly have any, just to get it over with so I can enjoy my weekend.
I still have a horrible headache. and no headache medicine.
I am in a foul mood for several different reasons.
Devan and I didn't take our walk today, so I ended up doing a little over half of a three mile power walk downstairs, at which time devan pooped her pants so I had to pause it and change her pants and at that point I lost my momentum.
I went to get my barcode today so I don't have to deal with that bitch down at the gate anymore. She is seriously a pain in the ass. Sorry I am in a bad mood so I am not going to try to think of more pleasant words to describe unpleasant things. Hope I am not offending or alienating any goody-2-shoes readers. Sorry about calling you that too. What's my problem?
next 5-6 paragraphs deleted sorry, this had to do with Jon's work f'ing up their overtime again so now we can't afford to comfortably exist. edited 11-14-03
(Nov 19)
I've been asked to make a Christmas wish list, so here it is. Click on
Santa to view it!
(Dec 11)
I am unable to sleep, so I took time to make the blog archives work. of course, images that were on old yahoo server do not work anymore (read: anything before April 2005) so you'll have to use your imagination. Check the sidebar for a link if you're interested.
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(Nov 22)
There. I finally did it. Now go buy me stuff:)
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(Nov 7)Take note of the changes along the right sidebar. I've been reading blogs, and that, of course, means joining knitalongs!
However my next task (which will be my next announcement)
is to create a holiday wishlist, as there have been several people asking for one.
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(Aug 6) Hi guys, How cute is this: I have a new little niece!! Bryan and Mandie's little girl was born last Sunday (I think)
and in the spirit of utter ridiculousness, I give you, Madelyn dancing.
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(June
1) Here is a little picture. Obviously, these are BF5 lyrics.
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(May
23) Sup dudes? I was kinda bored last night, so I made a picture.
again. only tell me if you like it. I have a fragile ego.
.......................
(May
14) Going through a wave of depression. Don't feel like
doing anything except artwork. Here are a couple
pictures I made. You may have seen them, since they're
meant for my websites. If you've seen them as background
images, excuse the tiling, I'm fixing it when I feel
like it.
if you like them, let me know. if you don't, keep it to
yourself.
.......................
(April 28) Ok... I've been on hiatus. Bear with me and
my broken links and pictures while I move all my junk
around.
Life is good and I'm glad my site is working again.
.......................
(Jan 11) Due to real life
pals/family complaining about how little real life
content there is in this journal, I'm going to make a
real effort to include that stuff, and not just knitting
stuff. I hope this pleases you guys.
.......................
(Jan 10) Today is the
anniversary of my Grampa's death. We still miss you so
much.
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(Jan 4) Congratulations
Michael & Tiffany!!
Welcome to the family,
Tif!
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(Dec 30) Just two quick
notes today:
1. We've got another
completed Casey's Coat.
click to see Vito!
2. I'll be out of town
for about 3 weeks. My brother, Mike, is getting married!
After that I'm going to be house sitting for my mom
while she is out of town. This will not have an affect
on you or my blogging, I just felt like sharing.
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(Dec 2) My brother has
been making me some pretty cool knitting charts. I think
they're mighty awesome and I'm trying to figure out a
project I can use them for. They're pdf files, except
the first one (which is actually not his design, it's
the work of someone on myspace.com) so go ahead and have
at them. If he makes many more charts, I'll disable the
links and offer the chart patterns for a small fee via
paypal, because, after all, it is his art work and he
deserves compensation!
click the images to view full sized charts: 2nd & 3rd images ?2004 R. Wuebker
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(Nov 28)My little sister is a knittin' fool. We shopped
all over for some good needles for her. She's been using
these kids plastic-y needles that I find to be really
uncomfortable and annoying. We tried some aluminum
needles but they were too slick and long. We finally
settled on some Clover Bamboo needles and from what I
have heard, she likes them the best. She's working on a
lavender scarf. I'll have my mom take a pic so I can
post it here.
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(Nov 28) I'm back! Christmas Knitting and yarn stash
enhancement is in full effect in this house. There's a
new(?) Knitting/Fabric store in the town my mom lives
in. It's called Sew Krazy. image is property of sew-krazy.com
They are currently squeezed in a tiny location just
chock full of amazing stuff! They have a whole shelf of
Kaffe Fasset fabrics, which you know I loved. They
had lots of yarn by Rowan and Brown Sheep. They didn't
have any Debbie Bliss. The shop is working on expanding
in a new location, equipped with a beautiful fireplace
(My mom and I peeked through a hole in the door) and
it's HUGE. This place was great and there's a cafe
called Muddy Waters next door. So this place will be
perfect to sit down, relax, drink coffee, and knit by
the fireplace when I go out to visit for 3 weeks in
January. The building is also really beautiful and
contains many other interesting shops. Check it out if
you're ever nearby.
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(Nov 18)Last year for Christmas, Mr. Handsome gave me an
EZ Stir. If you haven't got a clue what an easy-stir
is, (consider yourself lucky) it's a device that
attaches to your pots and pans and stirs your sauces for
you! Ingenious! I have still not taken the EZ Stir out
of its package. This year, I thought I'd make it easy on
my husband and anyone else who wishes to shower me with
gifts.
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(Nov 17)Looking for unique cards to send out this
Holiday season?
Check out
Loobylu
and Darling
Studio for some fabulous and unique holiday cards.
