The girl with kaleidoscope eyes

8.31.2003

If you were a carpenter, and I were a lady. I'd marry you anyway, I'd have your baby

Tonight Jon's friend asked me "Who the hell is Johnny Cash?" This is one of those times where I feel the need to quote Beavis and Butthead, "if you have to ask, you'll never know" There's way more to this conversation, like the part where I told him if he touched the remote I was going to inflict harm on his body, and where I told him he was no longer welcome in my home. I was only about 10% joking. 10 sounds a little high actually. Anyways, the story is mostly boring and just annoying so I am not going to relive it for you. Sorry dudes.

Today Lily did very well. She had one accident in the living room, and that was mostly because Jon was sitting on the side of the couch on my laptop so when Lily walked around the coffee table, Jon's leg hid her dastardly deed! I was saying "what's Lily doing? What IS LILY DOING?" and after about 30 seconds he finally heard me, but it was already too late. Oh well. She's doing much better. She's been going outside really well. I had a few moments of doubt and pain.

Today I slept a lot. I think I slept til about 11:30, if you count when I fell asleep on the couch with Lily. I had cramps and Jon gave Devan a bath and all of that so I was free to sleep awhile. Then Joe came over and puppysat while we grocery shopped. I bought a twinkie. It was pretty good. I haven't had a twinkie in awhile and I really wanted one. After we got home I put all the stuff away and made spaghetti and meatballs. I burned some of the meatballs but I cut the burnt spots off. Problem solved. Until I scorched the bottom of the sauce. Jon swears he didn't taste the burnt taste but I sure did. Maybe I'm just too picky. After dinner I actually cleaned up, and made some cupcakes because Jon said he really wanted chocolate cake. Devan came upstairs and asked me 'mommy, what you doin?" So I told her and she said "cupcake please" (sounds more like 'gupcake pees' about a hundred times until I gave in and split one with her. They're really rich and dense because I didn't make them the way I usually do. They're ok though. Jon probably won't notice. He never notices that stuff. i don't know why I worry like I do. It's all part of becoming the next Martha Stewart, except I won't commit any crimes or anything like that. Or sleep with my daughter's man. Or be a big old biach. Or wear big denim shirts and whispy hair that's always in my eyes. Or own chow-chows.

MOCHACHOCOLATAYAYA, I have no idea what they say

Jon's asleep. I tucked him away with the puppy so I could think about drawing, and so far it's been like 2 hours or so and I haven't thought about drawing at all.Last night I watched Divine Design and they turned this old bedroom into an art studio. I need those people to come here and make wall to wall cabinets and drawers for me so I can get some stuff done and organized. I really loved that room. They had great lighting and stuff you could adjust to whatever you needed, and open drawer slots where you could store big paper. That's what I really need. I would be so happy if I had a place to put all this stuff and actually work. My state financial aid is all screwy and I honestly don't care enough about these stupid classes to challenge anything, so I'm not going. So I figure I might as well throw myself into my child and my dog and my art, (haha, yea..)and you know, other things that I'm into if I someday decide I'm going to be into anything else. Also, hey where is my stereo? I could use some music in my bedroom. I just realized it's probably still packed in a box somewhere.

I saw this pair of underwear in the Delia's catalog (ok, I ordered a pair of earrings. that's why the catalog comes to me. honest) that kind of disturbed me. Delia's is for juniors right? Like teenagers? Well this pair of underwear had "Make Me" written on it. Do I have to explain why it's disturbing to see a young girl wearing this? I hope I don't.

ANother thing that bothers me about the delia's catalog is the teeshirts. There's this "get lucky in kentucky" teeshirt that I would totally wear, but it makes me mad that you can just click on an internet website and buy this stuff now. I remember me and katie going to goodwill and almost never finding anthing good. This is the kind of teeshirt you should have to earn. - either by going to the state and buying it at a shop, or by scouring a thrift shop. You don't just buy a 'get lucky in kentucky' shirt. So for that reason, I won't buy it. I refuse. Except I did make an exception last week and I bought a couple teeshirts from simplyvintage.com. I got this one with a peice of pizza on it and another one with the loch ness monster. I was feeling spendy and depressed, and combined these two feelings create a superpower that will KILL YOUR BANK ACCOUNT. Just ask Jon!!

We have this half wall of mirrors in our family room and I hate it and I want to paint a big picture of someone on it. Or something. I am better at drawing someones rather than somethings so it will probably be a someone. Maybe a bunch of someones. Jon wanted me to do a bunch of old movie stars and I thought that would be cool to do in black and white, but I don't really have adequate lighting in here. Maybe someday when we have money again (if that day ever comes)

What the heck was the last paragraph about. I have absolutely no plans of painting anything anywhere. HAHAHA. I'll be drunk with happiness if I actually get the time to pry those creepy porno mirrors of the wall. Seriously, the only place I've ever seen a comparable amount of mirrors was D'antonio's and even that was a little "uhhh..." This is crazy. Also I have a personal vendetta against the bedroom mirrors on the closet. They put these ugly little mini mirror door handles on them and I gouged the inside of my right palm and tore a chunk of skin out. It wasn't serious enough for me to not put my hand in soapy water, but it was serious enough for me to act very dramatic and swear up and down and cradle my wounded hand in my other hand and try to squeeze a little blood out so I could act like a baby and Jon would feel sorry for me.

Why do I keep writing. I am just typing everything that pops into my head. Sorry for that because it's hard to follow me I think. I am not a good writer. I acknowledge that, but you'll have to get used to it because I don't plan on going to school to become a good writer or anything. I wish i was good at it, if that makes you feel any better. I wish I had an mp3 player in my car because I have a pretty amazing collection of music on my hard drive and well, I can't wear headphones while I drive because I think that's against the law, although I haven't actually seen that law anywhere (not that I've looked or anything, because I don't care THAT much. i just don't remember it being covered in drivers ed, or in the nj driving laws or ohio for that matter.)

THis paragraph is where I talk about my undying love for Michael Ian Black. I have been in love with him since I first saw The State and then he disappeared and then he reappeared in that hidden camera show a couple years ago ( i can't remember the title. I could wake jon up and ask him, but that's pretty mean since he said he has a headache and really, who cares what the show was called because if you like michael ian black, you'll know what i'm talking about and if you don't, then you won't care what i'm talking about.) and now he's doing that thing on vh1, I love the 80's , and more recently I love the 70's. What I love about him is that he sits there with a straight face and says the stupidest stuff and it just cracks me up. I guess that's the kind of humor i like. Here's the part where I post a picture of what I look like right now thinking about michael ian black, except for, I'm not sitting at Jon's parents kitchen table right now, I'm in my family room on my sofa. Also I am wearing a green teeshirt with a kitty on it, So just pretend about those parts, oh and i don't have any makeup on either, so pretend about that part too:

Making that totally realistic picture of what I look like right now took a lot out of me. I am going to go lay in my bed that I hate because it is too hard and my back cracks about a hundred times when i wake up. i want one of those beds that jon's friend matt (who most likely knows who johnny cash is) made me lay on at the brookstone store when I was pregnant. they feel like they are made of foam. what are those things called? they show in the commercial how you can jump on one side and have a glass of water on the other side and the jumping doesn't knock over the glass and it's all very fascinating but I have to go now.

posted @ 2:36 AM

8.29.2003

Devan and I fell asleep on the couch downstairs for about an hour this morning. While asleep I had this really bizarre dream that involved a GIANT bird. When I say GIANT, I mean the bird was creepy big, like bigger than Devan and it actually was flying around the living room and we were running from it. At one point in the dream, I recall grabbing a spoon from the silverware drawer, and hitting the bird on the head with it. That didn't do anything, so I got the fly swatter from on top of the fridge and hit the bird with it. It flew past me and killed Devan, which I never actually saw, but the dream implied it. And then I walked over to the bird and snapped its neck with my thumb and index finger. Then I woke up. Aren't you glad you read that?

We got a puppy this week which is hard enough on its own, but I also happened to be having severe PMS. So while I've managed to maintain composure for the most part, today when the puppy peed in her crate (it's a really really long annoying story - she practically refuses to pee outside, and seems to prefer the carpet in my living room, which i'm replacing soon anyways, but it's still annoying) after having just been let back inside, I lost it for a moment and had to excuse myself, run upstairs, sit on the kitchen floor and shout obscenities at the top of my lungs while pounding my fist into the floor.. It wasn't pretty but then I went back downstairs and no one even seemed to notice.

Jon's here. I go now!

posted @ 8:44 PM

8.25.2003

you know that women never really faint, and that villains always blink their eyes

and that children are the only ones who blush, and that life is just to die

anyone who ever had a heart, they wouldn't turn around and break it

and anyone who ever played a part, they wouldn't turn around and hate it

I'm gonna go ahead and be real honest now, (try not to act surprised). I'm really lonely. Common sense tells me not to listen to music, but I'm listening anyways. Right now, I'm listening to Johnny Cash. Is it just me or am i always listening to Johnny Cash when I update this thing?

devan ate steak today. it was weird. she liked it. i think.

posted @ 1:47 AM

8.21.2003

no thank you, I full.

Yesterday I started reading this book, Breeder, which was recommended to me by a girl on a message board. I am so grateful for this book. I want to write letters to everyone, the girl who recommended it, the editors of the book, the people who wrote the stories in the book, my mom, my mom's mom, my daughter, yea. everyone.

This book has really confirmed the things I've always known and felt, and that really helps me so much right now.

posted @ 8:45 AM

8.20.2003

9:30 am. I've been up since 7 something. I told Jon I didn't want to wake up right then, but then he comes around back to my sliding door next to my bed and knocks and scares me to death trying to give me devan's carseat, so I was like ok ok I'm up. Getting up is 90% of the struggle. Once you're up it's more work to go back to bed. So I got up, got dressed and did my 2 mile walk. I just had soup for breakfast because it's hearty and filling and it worked so that's cool.

My eyes have bags under them and I am really tired. I'm waiting for the perfect moment to drift off while Devan is watching sponge bob. "the hash slinging slasherrrr"

I painted all day yesterday. It looks way better than I thought. I had a plan and everything, but I was a little worried because I had a really hard time deciding on a wall color and just a little bit more muted, or lighter, or darker, and it would have been a disaster. So I'm happy. Thrilled, in fact. I like that the living room now feels cozier. I just need the floor lamp and table lamp from crate and barrel, and some shelves mounted to the walls, which i'm either staining or painting the color of the wood (i haven't decided). I have to hang up my ceiling tin mirror that I bought.

My kitchen is the same color as the living room, because they're open to each other. I have my grandma's red and white spice rack on top of my stove and I love it and think it is really cute. I've been trying to buy a red tea kettle on ebay, but I really don't want to pay that much for it. I recently bid on a bunch of peices of red and white transferware that I plan to hang in the kitchen, if I ever acquire enough of it. So far I've won 1 peice. The very last one I bid on. Oh wellll. My kitchen is also tiny, but it's so cute.

I just can't wait to redo the floor in the living room, and along with that I want to rip up the tile in the kitchen and continue the same floor in there. I think it would look better.

I am really sick of talking about, and thinking about decorating and all of that junk. I'd delete all of this and start over and talk about something else, but I'm really tired. Sorry about my grammar and punctuation. I just can't bring myself to care.

posted @ 9:47 AM

8.18.2003

DURRRRRRR I HAVE AN ONLINE JOURNAL DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

So Hi folks, It's been a coupla days since I updated this thing. Yesterday was Jon's birthday. We had a little party that I prepared way too much food for. I also, for some reason, maybe it was because I was terrified that there wouldn't be enough cake for everyone, started cutting the cake before putting the candles on and singing happy birthday. I also only took pictures while Jon was opening presents, and now I feel bad. I should have taken more.

I got Jon an XBox for his birthday, and I got him the Star Wars Old Knights of something or other game. He was happy and semi-surprised. I also rented a couple games for him to try out. Oh and another stupid thing I did, was that I forgot to get a second controller. Oops. So it's real fun, I sit and read magazines, while Jon plays the games I picked out. Yah.

My car is done at the shop. They recharged my A/C so now I won't be sweating bullets anymore. Thank sweet heavens. They also fixed something in the front passenger side wheel that was making my car sound REALLY loud. Hope it's all fixed and safe and good, cuz that car worries me.

I really like campbell's soup at hand jars of soup. They're a really handy dinner or lunch to take with you (if you're going someplace that has a microwave, I mean).

I'm still baffled as to what to do about school this semester. It's a matter of me being a lazy slob, not wanting to go. I just don't want to. Someone motivate me. Or don't , cuz I don't want to go.

Jon's just emailed me and put a smile on my face. I should go downstairs and ride my exercise bike and lift my weights (jon calls them my "little cutie weights". I don't know what he's talking about. I am so tough it is scary.

We watched Gangs Of New York again. I liked it better the second time because I really like bill the butcher! Daniel Day Lewis is a great actor! "FOR GOOD AND ALLLLL!" That keeps going through my head. I gotta go do something.

posted @ 4:17 PM

8.11.2003

I am back on weight watchers dammit. What the heck is the matter with me? If I'd have just stuck to it since I started (Nov 2002), I'd be at my goal weight and then some. What's actually happened is that I've been slacking off and going back on since then, and I lost about 22 lbs total, and gained a little back, so now I've gone back to 18 lbs. lost. I tried making this chicken stroganoff recipe that I got off the weight watchers website. It was ok, but too much sour cream. Next time I make it, I'll have to add a little less.

I love my home. I'm really happy here. I know there's a lot of work to be done, and it is going to take awhile before everything looks the way i want it to, but I definitely see the potential and I'm really excited. I love this stuff.

We finally got our sleeper sectional. so... please, come visit me.

posted @ 1:30 PM

8.05.2003

I've been watching "A Baby Story" for about 4 hours, and now I want to have another baby. haha hahaha haha what is the matter with me?

Devan is being so good. I hurt my back last night and i've kind of parked it in the living room all day. she's been just playing in her room and bringing me plastic food and kisses and stuff.

You ever see the swiffer duster commercial where "whip it" by devo becomes "swiff it" and the lady is dancing around cleaning? That commercial is so stupid. I also hate the rap mcdonalds commercial where all the skinny girls are shoving french fries in their mouths. yea right. I bet they puked them all up after the camera stopped rolling.

posted @ 4:14 PM

It's already August. When did that happen?

It is later than late and I'm still awake. I'm waiting for Jon to get home from work. It's past midnight but he said something about being done AT midnight. I have to stay awake because I'm the only one with a key and plus I want to say "hey" when he gets in.

Friday is couch day. We went and bought a sectional for the family room, or "the media room" as Jon fondly calls it. There was a really cute comfortable one that I wanted. It was corderoy and tailored and had rolled arms and was just all around cute and perfect, but the store was having trouble figuring out what was in stock and what had to be special ordered. So we browsed around a little more and Jon saw this one that he liked that is a weird color that I can't describe. The ticket said taupe but trust me, it wasn't. It was a little scratchy and it had one of those chaise lounge things, which I've always been adamantly against, but to tell you the truth, they're extremely comfortable for watching movies. Especially if you're a lay-er like me.

I remember once when I was younger my mom said to me "everytime I see you you're horizontal." and everytime I lay on a couch i think of that. I just like being comfortable I guess. I think she thinks it's me being lazier than just sitting on the couch, but to me, sitting or laying on the couch is the same amount of laziness.

Today I potted 12 impatiens and some other trailing pink things, so I'm all done potting, except I still have to transplant my one surviving apartment plant (my grampa's funeral plant) into a different pot with different soil. Oh, I forgot why I started talking about potting the plants -- well, it was not fun. First of all I waited til like 3:30 to start because it was way too hot earlier, like a vacuum, stealing away all of my air. And then I had to guide the tv guys and the gas guy around. And then I wanted to take a shower because I was so excited about the gas. So I finally got outside and the phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing. It was bothering me. And then I got 9 plants into my little project and it started pouring. No warning at all, just this sudden downpour. stupid dumb outside.

Tonight I made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. I was working on my meatballs when Jon's dad and brother came over with boxes. I had raw meat all over my hands when they got here so I wasn't paying much attention to where they were putting stuff. So then when they left I was sort of surprised (i told them to put the crib in there but I was distracted and didn't realize they were putting everything in there) to find out that there was no place to walk in devan's room, and that I'd have to add "move a bunch of heavy boxes and bags" to my list of things to do today. I couldn't leave it for Jon, cuz, as I already stated, he's not home and it's past midnight. So long story short, I hurt the bottom of my back by my hip lifting all the stuff so devan wouldn't hurt herself on anything.

and yea, it hurts.

I also cleaned the downstairs bathroom. Totally gross. Whoever lived down there was a complete pig. Also, i threw out all of their cleaning supplies. It's like " oh yea this is what you used to clean this room...? Ok, garbage..." Gross. I want to hunt down the guy and throw the rags I used right into his face.

My plan tonight was to give devan a bath after dinner, but since I couldn't bend down really well because of whatever I did to my back, I had to take a shower with her which was kind of comical. She kept saying to me " I SEE LITTLE BUTT!" And she was so cute after the bath was over. Once her hair dried and her pajamas were on (she's got these new, frilly blues clues pajamas and her long flippy hair... and then she kept giving me kisses and telling me "love you mommy!"

Ok, enough updating for tonight. I'm gonna sleep on the couch awhile.

posted @ 12:29 AM